(Disclaimer: Before I start, I want any female out there who reads this to email me and tell me what in the bloody hell is so attracting about this John Mayer dude? For real, ladies, I'm not joking. I really need to understand this mystery. And since I am not a woman and I am not gay, I would have no idea what this guy does to attract these beautiful women. And it's quite obvious that this is precisely what is happening.)
Anyway, I get in to work yesterday morning. There area usually about four or five websites that I check when I turn my computer on in the morning. And yes, one of them actually has to do with work, thank you very much. One of these sites I regularly read is The Big Lead. Great site, for sports and entertainment-type stories. It's sorta like a better, more informative, less-gay version of PerezHilton.com, if you will.
One thing I do love about the site, is the ample amount of eye candy it has. Let's be honest here, besides hot girls and sports, what else do guys need to read about? Let me tell you, very little else. Next to nothing, actually when I think about it.
So back to my Monday morning. So I quickly see that to my pleasant surprise, a photo of Minka Kelly has been posted. This is going to be a pretty good week, I think to myself. But as I read the little caption, my positivity quickly fades. I read that Minka Kelly is apparently dating a new guy. And who is this new "guy" she's dating? None other than John freaking Mayer.
First it was him breaking me and Jessica up. Now he's getting between me and Minka. Dude, John buddy, I totally called dibs you a-hole. What is your problem man? Here's the disgusting proof. By the way, what's with the hair John?
So after I stop crying inside and get over the initial shock, I start to wonder. And I start wondering and pondering what makes this guy so attractive to women (or any one woman for that matter) across the planet.
So after weighing this question in my mind, I can only come up with two possible reasons that make women wanna be seen with this guy, let alone get freaky with him. 1) He's got tons of money and 2) he plays the guitar.
First of all, the money. Okay, okay I get this, kinda. I'll give you this one ladies. Maybe I don't get the allure of finding a "guy with money", because a) I am dirt ass poor and b) guys don't usually make it their life goal to find a "woman with money." And surely, Minka Kelly could find someone a little bit better looking and a little more "not-John-Mayer" that had loads and loads of money, right? I would think so.
So I get why regular no-name poor girls would wanna date someone with money. But Minka Kelly? Okay so she's not a bajillionaire, or maybe hardly even a millionaire at this point. But let's just say that she can pay the bills. And then some. But Minka doesn't need his money. So that can't possibly be the reason she is dating him, as I see it. As J-Lo has so poetically put, "Love don't cost a thang."
So the only other reason I can see for her to be dating him is that he plays the guitar. And this is where I get really confused. Because I could kick John Mayer's ass on the guitar. I mean, I can play the crap out of the guitar. Sure, no one knows it and has never heard me play in public, but it's true people. I could write a way better song than Your Body is a Wonderland. That's actually a bit of an insult, don't you think? Wunderland is a really crappy nickel arcade here in town. My song would be called "Your Body is a Disneyland" or "Your Body is Magic Mountain." Disneyland and Magic Mountain are WAY cooler than Wunderland, by the way.
I understand that a dude who plays the guitar is all sexy and what not. But I can do sexy guitar pictures just like John Mayer. If you don't believe me, look.
Here's John and me playing the guitar. You decide who's sexier.
Those pictures are sexy and sexy. Done and done. Sexiness confirmed. I see no difference. Okay, so besides his tight ass t-shirt and all the fancy lights, we're on the same sexiness level people. I think I've proven my point about how John Mayer really sucks. If you have any more proof of why he sucks, please email me and let me know.But if I, for some odd reason, haven't proven my point, consider this. Who would want to date a "sexy singer/songwriter" who sings like this.
I rest my case...
