My Completely Objective Rundown of Everything About Super Bowl XVLI

This year's Super Bowl is most likely going to be a lonely one for myself.  It hasn't been that way in years past, but it will be this time.  And that's actually the way I'd prefer it to be this year.  You see, the Patriots are my team of choice in the NFL, and when they're playing, I tend to get a little bit intense. 

So, when the Patriots are playing in the Super Bowl (or any other game of significance), I would much rather watch it by myself, thus avoiding all the noise and random BS that happens when not everyone in the room cares about the game as much as I do.  The more I think about it and write about it, it seems like a bit of a sickness.  But I digress.

I've spent the past week watching the media coverage from afar, trying to avoid getting too wrapped up in all the pre-game hype that has become as much a part of the Super Bowl experience as the actual game itself.

In fact, if the Ravens and 49ers were playing in this year's Super Bowl, there's no doubt I would be paying more attention to all the random, over-dramatic, non-story stories than to who was going to win the actual game.  Maybe a lot of people are like that.  Maybe not.

One of the main reasons I've been keeping my distance from the media storm of Super Bowl week is because I'm actually pretty freaked out about the game.  As a Patriots fan, I was just starting to move on from the nightmare of Super Bowl 42.  And now I have to relive all of those terrible memories again?  I mean, are you effing kidding me?

Marisol Gonzalez

I hate the New York Giants.  I really do.  I want the Patriots to beat them as badly as Tom Brady himself does.  I was actually going to write a post about the Super Bowl and try to offer my thoughts in a rational and reasonable way, and maybe even try to predict the final score...but sadly that is not possible.  After what the 2007 New York Giants did to me, there's no going back to that place where I can be objective about that team.  So I hope you aren't reading this looking for any sort of useful commentary.

I could go on and on about how much I despise the Giants and how much I hope they lose by (A 59-0 Patriots victory still wouldn't satisfy me), but I don't think I have the time.  The game is only 2 days away now.  Plus, it's exhausting.  Believe it or not, but it can be more tiring to root for a team to lose than it can be rooting for a team to win.  I'll be doing both on Sunday. 

Since I can't really offer the honest, truth-seeking in-your-face journalistic facts and analysis that you all are so accustomed to finding on this site, I'll try to offer at least something.  My random thoughts.

• First of all, I want to personally thank Marisol Gonzalez for being smokin' hot and freaking awesome.  And for making Super Bowl Media Day a little more awesome and tolerable for all of us.  I also would like to thank Ines Sainz, who has carried the banner of hotness in past years.  Maybe I should also thank the Spanish TV stations of the world?  Yeah, why not, I'll throw them in there too.  I mean, hell I'm even a Patriots fan and if Miss Gonzalez hadn't shown up at Media Day, I would have ignored everything about Media Day.  So thank you, Marisol, thank you.
• While we're on the subject, have you noticed how hot all the chicks are on Spanish TV?  I know that it's generally accepted that to get on TV, you have to be at least a little bit attractive, but Univision and their counterparts take it to another level.  A level that I freakin' love.
• Side note ... doing all the Google searching that I did just now to find pictures of Marisol Gonzalez and her friends may get me fired from my job.  So this post may be my last as a guy with a job.  Better be good then, right?
• I'm sick of hearing about Rob Gronkowski's stupid ankle is doing.  But I do think it's going to play a huge part of how the game goes on Sunday.  Gronk was a vital part of my fantasy football title run this season, so I know as well as anyone that when he's a big part of the offense, New England's offense works much better.
• The most asinine story of media week comes from the New York Post.  Tom Brady's wife, Gisele Bundchen, sent her family and friends an email asking them to pray for Tom to do well in the big game.  And the New York Post put that email on the cover.  What a bunch of stupid, stupid people.  The media is so freaking dumb sometimes.  And yes, Todd Venezia, I'm talking about you, specifically, for wasting your time writing that article.
• Another note about Gisele's email.  Either someone had to hack in and get that email from her personal account, or one of the recipients gave the email to the NY Post for them to publish.  Most likely, it wasn't a hacker, and someone that received the email from Giselle gave it up.  That person needs to get a life and probably won't be on Gisele's email list any longer.  What a dumbass move.
• I wish the New York Giants defensive lineman would just shut up and play the game.  They never stop talking, do they?  All they've been doing is talking and talking and talking and talking and talking.  I mean, geez can they just shut up for a minute?  At some point you gotta play the damn game.  I don't think there is a single unit in the NFL that has talked as much trash over the past 5 years as the defensive line for the New York Giants.  And of course you love to hear it if you're a Giants fan.  And even I have to admit that they have backed up some of that talk over the past few years.  But there is a point at which running your mouth becomes old.  And the Giants defensive lineman have reached that point.



Jason Pierre-Paul

• I chuckled when I read how fired up Giants center David Baas got on media day.  Apparently, someone asked him one too many questions about Vince Wilfork and the rest of the Patriots' defensive lineman.  And he was not having that at all, dammit.   According to the article, Baas "let loose" on reporters because he felt that the Giants offensive lineman had "busted their butts" just as much as Pro Bowler Vince Wilfork and his teammates to get to the Super Bowl.  Yeah, David Baas, it's totally the Patriots defensive lineman that are getting way too much credit.  Yeah, suuuuuure buddy.  Keep believing that.
• Oh and David Baas raised his voice when he "let loose" on the media.  In fact, he raised his voice twice.  He was serious, folks. 
• With all the talking that the New York Giants have been doing this week, it's pretty ironic that the very first non-story story that hit at the beginning of the week was about how Tom Brady (gasp!) had guaranteed a victory in the Super Bowl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The New York media was so offended at this that they all pissed themselves simultaneously.  Steve Sarby of the New York Post wrote an article titled, "Giants will make Brady pay for planning Patriots victory party."  And even ESPNNewYork.com's writer named "Staff" (nice move with hiding the writer's name to the story) got in on the action, asking "is this guy overconfident, or what?"  Like I said before, these are stupid, stupid people folks.
• So let's review real quick.  This is Brady's quote, word for word, that got the New York media's collective panties in a bundle: "We're going to give it our best and hopefully we have a lot more people at our party next weekend."  Then four days later, Giants DT Chris Canty had this to say: "Get ready for a great game on Super Bowl Sunday ... And get ready for a parade on Tuesday."  Think about that for a second here.  Who is the overconfident one again?  Glad we could clear that one up.

Teigen, Tebow and Upton!

So as I wrap this thing up, I just want the New York media and the New York Giants player to shut the hell up.  Even if you win the game, you all still will look like assclowns to the rest of the country.  With all the success that the Yankees have brought to the city of New York, the Giants don't deserve to win anything ever again.

I have successfully avoided the thought of how much pain Super Bowl 46 could inflict on me for the entire week so far.  I'm proud of myself for that.  That's progress for me.  But once tomorrow rolls around, I will no doubt be freaking out.  I know that even if the Patriots can pull this one off and win, it still won't completely make up for what happened to them in Super Bowl 42.  But it sure will feel nice anyway.

And if the Giants end up winning this one, I may just go into hiding for a bit.  I will live my nightmare all over again.  Ahh, good times.  Cannot wait.  Now where did I put that bottle of Tums......

Ahh, just for the hell of it:  New England Patriots 34   New York Giants 30